Monday, July 14, 2014

Pursuit of Perfection

"I was the perfect mom before I had children." Have you ever heard this? I have, and while it is funny, it is very true (at least it was for me).
 
Then, once I had children, the reality that I wasn't perfect started to set in, but I didn't want to admit it to anyone (not even myself). Sometimes, I was tired or in a bad mood (what? I know, right.). Still, I made my very best effort to do everything "right." My first born son had a set schedule, he always had all his vegetables and fruit  dietary requirements, he took daily vitamins, brushed his teeth twice a day, said his prayers every night, and read at least one story to him every night before bed too. In fact, for the first year of his life, he never even had any refined sugar (which presented a problem when he had cake at his 1 year birthday party and threw up from all the refined sugar his body had never processed before...bad mommy). 
 
Post first child, my house was still pretty clean and my child's clothes always matched. I worked out regularly to lose all the baby fat, and even pumped breast milk so he could have the "very best" for a full year. When he was 2 yrs old, we had another son. His addition made the schedules and "perfect" mom role a little more challenging especially when I was tired at bedtime from getting up through the night, and I didn't really want to read the same book "one more time."  Still, I struggled to try to keep up the facade and fantasy that I could be the best mom ever of my own strength, and it seemed to be working. My first born was reading by the age of 3, and I was doing my best to be a perfect mom to both of them. I pat myself on the back as I pridefully thought, "What a great job I am doing." I am ashamed to admit, I would even look down at other people who's children were dirty, wore mismatched clothes ,had snot running down their faces, and had children who threw temper tantrums in public (shame on them!). 

In an effort to be the best mommy ever, I enrolled the two of them in everything under the sun. They tried karate, soccer, football, piano, gymnastics, swimming, baseball,...etc. EVERYTHING was about our children, and we wanted them to have everything and get to do everything.
I had bought into the myth that giving them everything they could ever want was what I "should" be doing. Well, I have since changed my mind. Having 13 children under the age of 16 will definitely change your perspective, about a lot of things. 
Let me back up. After having 3 biological children, we adopted 3 more in less than a year and a half. This definitely provided challenges. The children didn't speak any English and had never gone to school (I home school, so that was definitely a challenge). Obviously, there were communication challenges, attachment challenges, and a multitude of other "issues" that God would use to teach me SO much about relying on Him and His strength and about my own need for grace and mercy. But, it would take me some time to learn these lessons, and I am still learning them (sometimes painfully). 
 
I will never forget about 1 week after I brought home child number 5 and 6, things were going well. Lunch was done, the kitchen was clean, and the children were all playing nicely. I remember thinking, "I can do this! Look at that! It's not so hard." Moments later, I was in a complete panic calling 911 because I realized that my 4 year old daughter had gotten into the prescription medication on the other side of the baby gate she climbed over. 

Panic set in as I rushed in an ambulance to the hospital to have her treated for possible poisoning. Dustin proceeded to call everyone we knew to pray for our daughter's health and recovery. Thankfully, she was fine. They kept her overnight, but they discovered she hadn't actually ingested any of the open bottle of pills. Praise the Lord, right?! 

Only, I didn't just praise the Lord. Once the fear of poisoning subsided, I became extremely depressed and embarrassed. How could I face anyone after I "let" such a horrible thing happen to my child. I was clearly a horrible parent, right? I failed at even the most basic parenting role, protecting my children.
 
"No, it was an accident."I was told, but the reality was indisputable, and now everyone knew it too: I am not perfect. I made a mistake. A big one, yes. But, all the while, God was revealing to me, that I could not do it alone, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. He is sovereign, He is in control. He was the one that could give me strength and wisdom to do all things. I am not perfect, nor would I ever be (until I am with my Lord and Savior in Heaven), but He still loves me.
 
Sometimes, when we see the pictures on Facebook of people smiling and having a good ol' time, we can fantasize about other's lives which can be very dangerous. It can cause us to covet what others have and compare ourselves to others. But, what we need to remember is, people don't put the pictures of the fights, the arguments, the tears and tantrums. No, those we hide. But, the reality is that no one's life is perfect. No one is perfect. We are all sinners: "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23).

Adding 3 children created financial challenges as well. A family of 8 is a lot more expensive than a family of 4 or 5. Plus, time was now stretched, and I just couldn't seem to fit everything in. Then, adding 7 more children, solidified the fact that I just can't be everything to everyone all the time. The children couldn't all get to do every sport and every musical instrument that they wanted. First off, there just wasn't enough time to get to everyone's extracurricular activities, and secondly, there wasn't enough money for such "luxuries."
 
Sometimes, these limitations have been a difficult reality to admit. I have felt, at times, like I was robbing my children of the "perfect" childhood. My one son was previously on the competitive gymnastics team, and I could no longer justify the expense of the team and the travel. Then, I would see my friends and family members on Facebook with their children involved in nearly every activity a children could ever desire, and I felt even more guilt. Gone were the ideals of being a "perfect" mom. I was screwing this all up. So, let me go ahead and admit some of the realities:
 
Perhaps at times some of my children may go to bed without brushing their teeth (though we try to ensure they brush twice a day). Sometimes, they wear mismatched socks (or no socks at all). Sometimes their clothes don't match. Most days there is a pile of clean laundry somewhere that needs to be folded (hey, better clean than dirty), some lunches don't include a vegetable, and I occasionally eat lunch with the children at a drive thru (gasp). We aren't always on time (which has been difficult for me to let go of with my military background). Some days, we ditch school, and just play outside or even watch a movie (shocking, I know. Hey, sometimes it is an educational movie). Don't look under the couch at my house, because I can guarantee that it isn't clean, and I can't tell you the last time I dusted or washed my windows. (sigh) How far I have come from the quest for perfection? Some of it has been merely a survival mechanism, and some of it has been the reality of having to prioritize and pick my battles.
But slowly, God has shown me that all the sports and activities, the perfectly cleaned house, and perfectly coordinated outfits are not the most important thing. He is. A relationship with Him is more important than giving my children every little material thing their heart desires. Teaching them the value of hard work and saving their money for what they want to buy is better than just buying them everything they could ever want. Spending time as a family with my children and fostering loving relationships and memories as a family is more important than having the cleanest house and best dressed children on Facebook. 
Obviously, I am still not perfect (nor was I ever really). I am not saying our way of doing things is right, or that having your children play organized sports is wrong....please don't misunderstand me. On the contrary, I am admitting my flaws and my imperfections. I am acknowledging my shortcomings and my desperate need for grace and mercy.  Thankfully, my children and I have a Heavenly Father who never makes mistakes. Who is always there to listen. Who never says the wrong thing. A heavenly Father who is perfect, and His grace is enough!

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Independence Day


Thankful for the many men and women who have gone before us and those who still serve in our military (and for their families). Thankful for the freedoms we have in our country. Thankful we have to homeschool. Thankful to be in a country where I am able to unashamedly worship my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 








Happy 4th of July!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Lonely?

In a home with 15 people, one would wonder how anyone could ever feel lonely. So, what am I talking about?

Our family is different than many other families, and I honestly am grateful that we are. Our home is full of noise, though often people that visit comment on how quiet it is because I think the expectation is that there would be chaos and noise all the time. On the contrary, often times children go off on their own to find a quiet place outside or on their bed to enjoy a new book from the library. Some of them may take a walk down to the front pastures and brush their horses. A couple boys may head into the woods to go fishing together while still a couple others are playing Uno or Go Fish. Of course, there is the crazy loud games of soccer we play as a family, or Hide-n-Seek in the house as a family that can get kind of noisy too. Nevertheless, there are always so many options for people to play with, so why this blog post about loneliness?

Well, sometimes, it can feel lonely because when we look around at the "rest of the world" it seems like we are alone. Most of the people we know are living out their lives in completely different ways which can sometimes make us feel like we are alone. Sadly, I must admit, I have even questioned some of our convictions and the choices we make as a family because they are so different than what so many others are doing (even many who also claim to be following Christ).

However, the Lord tells us in Romans 12:2 "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." 

Now, I am not saying if you aren't doing things the way we are doing it, that you are wrong. That is not what I am saying at all, and obviously that judgment is not mine to make. I know that God uses all different people in all different ways, and the path that He plans out for one person may be completely different than the one we are on. But, Scripture says, "Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:6

We are trying to focus on God's word, understand it and meditate on it. We are praying daily for wisdom and for the Lord to show us His desire for our lives. We want to follow His guidelines and live a life pleasing to him. Of course we fail daily, fall short, and make mistakes because we are all sinners in need of a Savior, but sanctification is a process in which we should be growing in our faith and becoming more Christ-like each and every day, and we desire that there would be more of Him and less of ourselves with each and every day.  The Lord tells us "I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me." Proverbs 8:17. So, we desire to seek him diligently.

I am writing this as an encouragement to anyone who ever feels alone on their path. Anyone that feels like because of their commitments and convictions to the Lord they are different than the world, but that difference is okay. That difference is good, and I assure you, you are not alone.

 “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." Matthew 7:12-14

If we are on the same road is everyone else, if every aspect of our life looks pretty much like everyone else we know, perhaps then we are on the wrong road.

Dear Gracious and Merciful Lord, I thank You for Your loving kindness. I pray that you will draw us closer to you with each passing day, that You would increase, and we would decrease. Give us an insatiable desire for Your word and to know you better. Give us the desires of Your heart, and help us to grow in faith and in love. Make clear the path you want us to take, and give us the courage to remain steadfast on the course despite opposition, judgement, and ridicule from others. Comfort us with Your loving embrace when we begin to feel isolated, let us feel Your presence to remind us that we are not alone, but that You are always with us. It is through the precious name of Jesus that I pray.-Amen.


Friday, May 30, 2014

Locks for Love

Mae Ann decided to cut off her beautiful hair and donate it to Locks for Love for her 14th birthday.
 Before
After

So proud of your generosity Mae Ann, and the godly young woman you are becoming. You look absolutely beautiful!

Friday, May 23, 2014

On Fire

The other day, we had a bonfire in the yard. Despite the fact that it was about 90 degrees outside, the children flocked from all over the yard and in the house, to come out and sit around the fire. My son posed the question, "What is it about a fire that makes it so desirable that it draws people to it no matter what?" That got us thinking: we want to be on fire for the Lord; we want to be a radiating light that penetrates the darkness, a warmth that draws people to Him. We would hope that others would look at us, and see a noticeable difference knowing that that difference and anything good comes from the Lord. Perhaps, even non-christians would be intrigued and question their disbelief.

"You are the light of the world- like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father." Matthew 5:14-16

Heavenly Father, thank You for unending love for us. Thank you for sending Your Son, Jesus, to be the light of the world. Help us to be a reflection of Your light in a dark world. -Amen

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Meeting Newest Cousin & First Snow for 7 of My Children

My youngest nephew was just born a little over a week ago. He is my brother's first child, and we couldn't resist the opportunity to go visit. So, with little notice, we packed up our van and headed North to Central New York (15 hour drive) with 13 children. We didn't even tell my brother and his wife we were coming.

We drove up to meet him. We stayed with my father. It was a great time, and the Lord even blessed us with snow (yes, in the middle of April). 7 of my children had never seen snow before, so it was a beautiful experience.

The children did very well on the drive, and it was so good to have them get to meet more of their family members. Here are some pictures from our trip:























"Would you like to build a snowman?" -Frozen

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

First Moments Home

I don't have much time to write, but I will post pictures to show what we have been up to.